Is there such a thing as happiness

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if people were genuinely happy. Not pretending, just sincerely happy. I often wonder if people even know what happy truly is.  I have been on the search to understand happiness. The true individual meaning of happiness. I have nothing to complain about in my recent years. I pretty much have what I would consider a good life. Healthy relationship, good kids, and much more.. So why am on a search to find out about true happiness? People. I am intrigued by people and their personalities and triggers to their insecurities, negativity or fears that prevent them from being genuinely happy.


I have always struggled making long term friends. There is a specific reason why I struggle with making friends. Most of it is due to my childhood and parents. There is also to much common sense and high expectations of being truly realistic about oneself. I like to consider myself a pretty sincere person. I mean what I say and I do what I say. I am not one to hold back from the truth and have been known to hurt feelings due to my bluntness. I am not one to fear what needs to be said. This has created much dislike towards me as a person. This makes it hard for me to keep friends as most people do not like to hear the truth. Or better yet I don’t want to deal with other peoples dirty laundry. People only want to be heard and not advised. I have my own dirty laundry  to wash and I barely want to do that. Metaphorically speaking.

Being honest or am I to blunt

I don’t go out of my way to be blunt to people. I don’t blurt out the truth to anyone to hurt anyone’s feelings intentionally. I genuinely like to be nice and see the upside of things. I work at being optimistic even though the realistic side of mine always kicks in. So why am I on the hunt for sincerity and kindness. Because we have so little of it in our society and frankly I am fed up with societies negativity, backstabbing, envious and unhappy behaviors. Bitterness is what kills friendships or the possibility of making new acquaintances.

The Change

Last year I went through my weight loss surgery and you would think after I fixed what I thought were my only issues here comes a whole new barrel of issues. It’s okay, I decided to take the year off from work and take on a new field of business and most of all fix me. Fixing me is a working progress. Not like school where you learn something new memorize it and implement it and use it daily. No, self awareness is tough, my reality of my crazy is hard to swallow at times. Here I am, I asked for help, I seek’d to belong somewhere. I went in with optimistic eyes to learn what I needed to learn and receive support where I thought I needed support. After months of attending a group, I found that I no longer fit in. I was at an awkward time, in between newbies and veterans. What was to be a support group seemed like a place to complain and speak about fears or be bullied by a veteran. I found myself in a disappointed and depressive state.

As I sit at home thinking of all I have endured and attempting on being a little more social and leaving my comfort zone of being a loaner. I thought to myself and said why am I not the type of person that trust people and have friends all around me? Why do I get slapped with negative innuendos in the most random times and places when I assume I had made a “friend”? Sadly I tend to take things personal and start analyzing as to why such things happen to me. Is it me? Did I do or say something wrong? Am I not trying to fit in? Hell, I have no clue. I don’t think I am a bad person. I don’t think I am mean person. I don’t think I am bragging or flaunting anything. I like to think I am pretty easy to socialize with once I break the ice. So why do I get hit with others insecurities that get turned into hurtful negative comments?

No apologies

I want to go on record and say this. I am not sorry for my weight loss and how I look. I am not sorry for having a great husband and family. I am not sorry for my life. Also, I don’t appreciate jokes being made about me in regards to other people in who which they are not liked behind my back. I am not sorry for not wanting to feed into anyone’s negativity, insecurities or any other baggage. Frankly, I am not sorry for wanting to surround myself with uplifting peers. I don’t need for others to make me feel bad I can do that all on my own if I chose to. But I chose not to. I choose being happy over feeling sorry for myself. My life has been a challenge. A challenge in which it has made me the person I am today.

Body Shaming

When I was morbidly obese I was judged and missed many potential opportunities. I was viewed as possibly lazy or not ambitious enough even though I was good at my career. Now that I am older and look normal and have great opportunities, I still get judged and made felt bad because of my success in my weight loss journey. Sadly the ones that make me feel bad are the ones the are on their own path to weight loss and have had their surgeries.

So why the body shaming? What the hell is this about? Why does one have to inflict their own insecurities by offending you or me? Questioning why are you so skinny or fat? Hell, I didn’t even know I was skinny and at one point I didn’t know I was fat! I thought I was being healthy and just taking care of my health.

People out there are cruel and some do this intentionally and some may not even know they are doing it because they can’t even deal with their own reality. Either way it is wrong. This is where I get pissed and take things personal. I feel I am better not interacting with people in my bariatric life and would be more comfortable meeting strangers that know nothing about me and my weight loss journey.

I want to share this. I went from 350 plus pounds, morbidly obese in my 30’s. I am not morbidly obese today but I am still considered a little overweight. I have been fat, I have been skinny before I got fat and now I am healthy. But all the abuse I did to my body is now suffering. I work out intensely and no matter how much I work out I will always have damaged skin and sag. I am not perfection of firm. I am not 20 I am in my 40’s  and have bared 3 children and was fat for more than 2 decades. Am I proud of where I am at today? Hell NO!!! I questioned myself everyday on how did I get myself here, why did I do this to myself? And the questions go on. But at the end of the day I have a choice to fix me. I have a choice to not allow my issues hurt anyone and continue to be positive, to find a medium in happiness. To genuinely care.

Body shaming sucks and never thought I would ever go through such a thing. So for those out there reading this post of mine. STOP PUTTING OTHERS DOWN, ONE UPPING AND GIVING NEGATIVE INNUENDOS to make yourself feel better. It makes you look bad and frankly it is appalling and hurtful. Your negative words hurt and even if you didn’t mean it to come out the way you said it, you don’t know how the other person would take it. SO JUST STOP! Listen to your mother: “If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all”.

Others don’t define you

Despite all the ugly in our surroundings, it is crucial to find happiness. Keep in mind that others don’t define the person you are. You fine tune yourself to make yourself comfortable and to accommodate your emotional needs.  There is no law that states we have to deal or put up with mean people. There is no law stating we have to be friends with everyone we encounter. There is no law against being happy and feeling pride. It was confirmed that I myself can pick and choose who I surround myself. At the end of the day, go home, go to bed feeling great about yourself and all your day’s accomplishment. No one can ever take that away from you.